- Show a genuine interest in your
This is the best way I know of to make opening
conversations possible. In such a situation it is usually best to start
with a question like, "What do you think of the local Gorgonzola cheeses?"
If your beloved is a cheese fancier, you have just opened the doorway to
an impassioned conversation that could last some time. You are then
associated with passion; a good thing, no? However, be sure to share in
this interest. Otherwise you will either be caught out in your lack of
knowledge or worse still, suffer from MEGO (my eyes glaze over) and lose
your interest in this potential mate; a bad thing, yes?
- Be a good listener.
This is a good skill for making friends in general.
Be sure to always give your beloved space to talk about themselves as
well. Ask questions or make comments based upon what your beloved has
said. Encourage them to say more, and look straight into their eyes as you
listen. Remember, we are all looking for acceptance and being listened to
is one sign that someone is accepting us.
- Become a friend.
I know of people who say, "Never have sex with a
friend." My stance is ALWAYS have sex with a friend. It's overall a
much safer and enjoyable situation. With a friend the pressure isn't''''t on
to perform perfectly. You are allowed to be human. All too often "in-love"
is a state whereby two people blind themselves to each other's
humanity, and enter into a relationship with a projection of their own
insufficient ideals, rather than with the other person. When the ideals
are found not to fit these all too human beings, disillusionment and
disappointment follows. In friendship you are perfectly aware of each
other''''s humanity and choose to accept it. Friends can be honest
about birth control and protection. Friends can laugh when things don't
work out perfectly on a date or in bed, knowing that they will have
another chance at it later. Friends feel secure in the ongoing nature of
the relationship and therefore have no need to cling, but give one another
The best way to become a friend is just learn to be
concerned about the other person's day to day joys and cares, maintain
ongoing contact and make sure to have fun together alone and with other
- Do little things.
It is always delightful to receive gifts from a
beloved such as chocolate (good for any sexual persuasion) or tickets to
an event. Too much of a good thing, though, and your beloved will feel
that you are trying to buy their favors. Major turn off time. Ongoing
little courtesies and favors will go a much longer way and speak of a
deeper sense of caring. These include: both men and women unlocking the
passenger side of the car first, helping one another put on a jacket,
making offers of help, always carrying your own condoms in your purse or
wallet, sending a card just to let your beloved know that you are thinking
- Broaden your expectations.
I know of many people who never get a date because
they are waiting for the TV ideal to walk into their life. People can come
in all sorts of packages and still be sexy and loveable. Review all of
your judgments of "I could never go out with a person who..." You could
be limiting your choices too severely. For instance to say that you would
never go out with someone who cheers for the Seattle Seahawks means you
could be missing out on all sorts of people who share your love of
Broadening your expectations to me also means
freeing yourself from roles. Don't expect your beloved to behave in
certain ways because of their gender or career. I know of men who really
appreciate it when a woman takes them out for dinner and alternatively
women who appreciate having a meal cooked for them. In freeing yourself
from judgments and expectations, you open yourself to enjoying the new
and unexpected aspects of your beloved, thus broadening yourself.
- Be honest.
Be honest about who you are, how you feel and what
you want. This can be a toughie because almost no one believes they are
good enough as they are and often get caught up in trying to impress. To
this day I still get scared about telling people how I feel about them and
how I feel about myself in any given situation. And I think it is
everyone's favorite pastime to avoid saying what they
really want for fear of being told they can't have it (and thereby
still not getting it).
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and transparent
to another is a risk. You might get hurt. However, you might find someone
to whom you can reveal yourself and share your deepest thoughts. A love
based on honesty means that you are truly loved for yourself alone.
Honesty means you don't have to worry about interpreting each
other's actions and words. Asking for what you want means you might get
it. However, be open to negotiating with what your beloved wants as well,
such as: "We will go to Star Trek Generations this Saturday and Like Water
for Chocolate next Saturday," rather than insisting that you can only see
one or the other.
Honesty becomes absolutely imperative once you get
into bed in order to ensure a good time is had by all. Be sure to
frequently ask as you try different styles of foreplay or sex positions,
"What do you want, do you like this, is this any better, how do you feel?"
And there is nothing like a little opening of the heart in pillow talk
- Give yourself and your beloved freedom.
I believe we all are looking for a return to that
babyhood state where we are the absolute centre of love and support from
another person. Often when entering into a relationship we hope that the
other person will answer all our needs and give us a sense of that early
love. I have seen far too many relationships spoiled when the participants
see the other person as their source of love and therefore try to control
that person so as not to lose the source. This only serves to kill love.
The controlled person cannot love freely, but only out of obligation
(which breeds resentment), and the controlling person is not free because
they have tied themselves to only one source. Usually in this sort of
relationship both people are both controller and controlled.
It can be scary giving a beloved their freedom.
However, several things can be done to make it easier. Make sure that you
have friends you can rely upon. In this way you know you are always
surrounded by loving supportive people. It may hurt if a beloved chooses
to go their separate way, but then you have people whose shoulders you can
cry on, then pick yourself up and continue creating intimate
relationships. Learn how to enjoy separate as well as mutual interests
with your beloved. Learn how to give each other space and privacy.
Finally, and most importantly, become your own source of love.
- Cultivate your sense of humor.
Having a sense of humor means you are fun to be
with. It also means you have an easier time of getting yourself unstuck
from a situation you may be taking too seriously, and rescue any
disasters. I've been in several fights when something about the fight
struck me as funny and next thing you know, both my beloved's and my
own angry mood was ruined. We were then able to see the problem in a more
open and creative light. Humor also saved a couple of botched attempts at
lovemaking, so regardless we had fun.
- Learn compassion and forgiveness.
In our own estimations we are all flawed beings, and
yet we all equally deserve to be loved. Respect your own humanity and the
humanity of your beloved. Let no one mistake be unforgivable, though you
and your beloved both always have the right to choose whether you wish to
continue together. Nevertheless, be aware of what is most important to you
in the relationship, not losing sight of that in the heat of a painful
- Take responsibility.
I have heard people say that all men are like "X" or
all women are like "Y" and thereby blame an entire gender for their
inability to find contentment with someone. If you are having difficulty
in creating a happy relationship be willing to take a hard look at
yourself. What do you believe about yourself? Do you believe that you are
loveable...really? What do you expect out of relationships? If you expect
your beloved to treat you poorly and then leave you, very likely you will
do things to confirm that expectation so as to prove your opinion right.
Would you rather be right or loved? Remember no one makes you do or feel
anything, that is your choice. You are responsible for your feelings, you
are responsible for your actions. Trying to make other people responsible
for these things means you will never give yourself the opportunity to
change things for the better. And you can always change things for the
Taking responsibility means also that no matter what
your gender, you should always be prepared to have safe sex. It is not the
sole responsibility of the man to carry a condom or a woman to take birth
- Have fun.
That's the whole idea isn't it? Have fun,
enjoy life, laugh, cry, share love, make love, be good to yourself. People
who know how to have fun are the sexiest people in the world. They know
how to play in bed which means a lifetime of interesting sex.
- Honor yourself.
This is probably the most important advice of all in
wooing and creating bedtime bliss. The more comfortable you are with
yourself, the more comfortable a beloved will be with you. The more you
enjoy yourself, the more a beloved will enjoy being with you. The more you
love yourself, the more you can love and be loved. It's as simple as
that, and yet it can be the most challenging thing in the world. Honoring
yourself is a lifetime commitment, but one well worth making.